


You Get What You Pay For

by kappamaki33



Category: Donald Strachey Mysteries (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Comedy, Gen, Holidays, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 18:18:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kappamaki33/pseuds/kappamaki33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Timothy's family makes a surprise visit to Donald and Timothy's home for Christmas.  Donald makes a dangerous decision in delegating the task of last-minute gift shopping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Get What You Pay For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [storyfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyfan/gifts).



Donald had promised he wouldn’t work on Christmas Eve Day. He’d only gone into the office to check the mail. But of course, he’d had the bad luck to visit at exactly the same time the currently current, likely soon-to-be ex-Mrs. Schleigel called the office line with news that her husband had gone shopping, which she was sure meant he was going to see the mistress she suspected he had. Donald had tried to beg off the assignment by suggesting that her husband probably _was_ just doing last-minute shopping, but then she made an offer of a Christmas bonus Don couldn’t refuse.

When Don hung up with Mrs. Schleigel, it dawned on him that handling jobs on holidays was the sort of thing a junior partner should do—was, in fact, one of the reasons one had a junior partner in the first place. That’s when Donald remembered Kenny was supposed to be manning the office phone that day, too.

“Kenny?” Donald called out.

“Yeah, boss?” he heard Kenny moan.

Donald peeked around the corner of his office door and noticed for the first time that Kenny was sitting at his cubicle, skin caked with an orange facial mask and cucumber slices covering his eyes. Don sighed. He only wished this were an unusual occurrence. 

“Kenny, are you hung over again?”

Kenny shrugged. “I went to an end-of-the-world party. You know, the whole Mayan calendar thing? And then when the world didn’t end on December 21st, we had a yay-the-world-didn’t-end party. You know how it goes.”

Before Donald had a chance to respond, his cell rang. Timmy’s office number popped up on the screen.

Donald answered, “Hey, honey. I’m kind of in a hurry, but—”

“Donald, I need your help, _now_ ,” Timmy said.

Donald stopped dead in his tracks. “What is it?”

Timmy took a deep breath before saying, “My parents are coming for Christmas.”

“ _What?_ ” 

Donald’s tone of voice made _Kenny_ stop dead in his tracks.

Timmy continued, “And I need you to shop for gifts for them. And for us.”

Donald said, “Whoa, whoa, back up. Your _parents_ are coming for Christmas? _Your_ parents?”

Kenny lifted one cucumber slice up. “Ooh, damn. Sounds like you would’ve been better off if the Mayans had been right.”

Donald waved irritably in Kenny’s general direction to shut him up. “And what happened to our plan of skipping gifts this year so we could afford the Caribbean cruise instead? I already booked our flight and stocked up on sunscreen.”

Timmy sighed. “I know, but it’s for Kelly. My mother has been reaching out to her this year, trying to reconnect. Mother wants Kelly to spend Christmas with the family, but Kelly and Dad still aren’t exactly on the best of terms. The only way Kelly would do it is if I’m there, too, and if everyone agreed to meet in neutral territory. Meaning, our house.” Timmy strategically paused for a moment, letting the guilt sink in. “Please, Donald? For Kelly?”

Donald was beaten. He knew how much Timmy cared about his sister. Plus, Donald had put up enough of a fight to keep his tough-guy (with-a-Timothy-shaped-soft-spot) cred intact. “All right.”

“Thank you so much, sweetheart!” The tone of gratitude quickly gave way to one so authoritative that it would’ve put Donald’s former drill sergeant to shame, and yet, somehow, still sweet. “I can take care of the decorations—my emergency tinsel and garland stash in the basement shouldn’t be too depleted—but I’m too tied up here at work to shop for gifts before stores start closing today. Our family has always done presents and dinner on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas, so we're on a tight time frame. The gifts needn’t be anything fancy, and I trust your taste, so just do the best you can. I have to go now—thank you so much-love you-bye!”

“Wait, Timothy—” Donald said to the dial tone as Timmy hung up. Donald muttered, “Love you, too.”

“May I be of help, Mr. Strachey?” Kenny had tossed the cucumber slices in the trash and wiped off most of the face cream. He stood at Don’s side, hangover magically vanished and replaced with grinning eagerness. Don had no doubt Kenny had listened in on enough of both phone calls to recognize Don's predicament. Funny, how the prospect of paying work cured Kenny's hangovers so quickly.

On the one hand, Donald did need help. He couldn't tail Mr. Schleigel _and_ handle Christmas shopping. On the other hand, he didn't think Kenny was ready for someone as slippery as Mr. Schleigel. This was, in fact, the third wife of Mr. Schleigel's that had hired Don to tail the guy to prove he was cheating. The first two wives had been right, but it'd taken Donald weeks to get any hard evidence. But sending Kenny Christmas shopping for the Callahans wasn't exactly a safe assignment, either.

Donald took a deep breath and made his choice. "Kenny, would you be willing to do me a favor and buy gifts for Timothy's family today, while I'm out on the Schleigel case?"

Kenny theatrically considered that. "Well, I'd like to help, but it is Christmas Eve Day. Most employers _at least_ give their employees overtime pay if they have to work today..."

“Look, I’ll pay you half of Mrs. Schleigel’s Christmas bonus if you do this for me, but in order to tail Mr. Schleigel, I need to leave now. Are you in, or not?”

Kenny's grin widened. “Yessir, Mr. Strachey,” Kenny said. He ran to his desk for a pen and paper. “So, who am I shopping for, and what are they like?”

"Timothy's parents and his sister. And I guess you better get a little something from me to Timothy, and from Timothy to me. As for what they're like...uh, Kelly’s nice like Timothy, but quieter. Mr. Callahan’s a republican. Mrs. Callahan knits a lot.”

“Oh come on, I have to have more to go on than that!” Kenny said, pen poised over his legal pad. “Names, ages, heights, weights, likes, dislikes, food allergies, religious beliefs—”

“Catholic, I assume,” Donald said, not sure what that had to do with anything but happy he had at least one answer, so Kenny might shut up. “Considering they didn’t disown Timothy when he went to seminary to become a priest.”

Kenny’s jaw dropped. “You’re married to an almost-ex-priest? Cool!”

“Why?” Donald asked, but Kenny kept talking right over him.

“I dated a priest once. The sex was _hot._ It had all the naughty-hottie-ness that comes with doing a guy who’s cheating on somebody else with you, but with none of the guilt. ‘Cause, like, he was cheating on _God_ with me. How can you feel sorry for God, when you’re just having really hot sex with only one of His millions of priests?”

Donald was already regretting his decision, but he didn’t have much for other options. He squeezed his eyes shut, dug out his wallet, and handed Kenny the small wad of cash inside as he made his way out of the office. “I gotta go, or I’m never going to find Mr. Schleigel to tail him. Do the best you can. Get them nice stuff, but don’t spend any more than that, ‘cause I am _not_ reimbursing you, got it?”

“Okay, but—”

Donald never heard what Kenny said after he shut the office door behind him.

~~*~~*~~

It still sucked to work on Christmas Eve Day, Donald reflected as he shrugged off his coat and stepped out of his boots in the foyer later that evening, but at least he was coming home after a success. As it turned out, Mr. Schleigel had been out shopping. However, after he’d spent a half hour in Daas Guten Backerei, Don went into the shop to investigate and caught Mr. Schleigel with his pants down in the backroom and one of the cashier frauleins licking his strudel.

"I was beginning to worry about you!" Timothy said as he came into the foyer. He hugged Donald and gave him a quick peck hello. "Don't worry, we didn't start unwrapping gifts without you."

Donald walked toward the family room with Timmy. "Did Kenny, er, deliver the gifts here on time?"

"Yes, and already wrapped, too," Timothy said. "And he helped me finish putting up extra decorations. He was so helpful, and it didn't sound like he had anywhere to go, so I invited him to stay for dinner. Donald? That's all right, isn't it?"

Don realized he must have been making an odd face. "Yeah, it's fine. I'm just a little awestruck at Kenny being so helpful, is all. You sure he won't make things with your family more awkward than they already are?"

They were standing just outside the living room when Donald heard Kelly shriek with laughter. Kenny giggled and said something like, "I know, right?"

Timothy said, “He and Kelly have become fast friends. My parents are mostly just confused by his existence,” Timmy said. “So, all things considered? He’s doing spectacularly well. This is the least tense Callahan family gathering I’ve participated in in decades. I’m seriously considering inviting him to Thanksgiving.”

On that note, Donald made his way into the family room to make the rounds. Mr. Callahan, whom Donald always thought looked and sounded alarmingly like George C. Scott in _Patton_ , did his usual subtle show of masculinity by squeezing the life out of Donald's hand when he shook it. Mrs. Callahan hugged Don and (mostly, at least) playfully accused him of not feeding her son well enough, her dear Timothy had gotten so thin. Kelly greeted him with a warm, genuine smile and a soft "good to see you."

Kenny was already out of his chair. "All right, now that you're here, it's finally present time! They're under the tree in the foyer."

“How did shopping go?” Donald whispered to Kenny as they gathered the presents from under the Christmas tree.

“That was, like, mission impossible!” Kenny said. Donald gave him a confused look. He continued, “Do you have any idea how little money you gave me earlier? That wad of bills was mostly ones. That severely limited where I could shop. But don’t worry, I was resourceful. I cashed in _big_ on the ‘boyfriend discount’ at the place this guy I’m seeing works.”

“Oh God,” Donald muttered. Not that he wanted to think about Kenny in a sexual manner in general, but he _really_ didn’t want to think about how the Christmas presents to his in-laws had been paid for in part by Kenny’s blowjobs. “I’ll probably regret asking this, but where does your boyfriend work?”

“The gay bookstore on Birch Street.”

The bottom dropped out of Donald’s stomach. He grabbed Kenny by one lapel. “You don’t mean the one with all the porn downstairs?”

“Yeah, that one,” Kenny said innocently. “Don’t worry, I did all my shopping in the classy, upstairs part. Well, except for this one thing…” Kenny smirked. “That one’s in your bedroom. Consider it my gift to you for cutting me in on the Schleigel Christmas bonus.”

They brought the presents into the living room, and for a while, things went smoothly. Mrs. Callahan gave Don, Timmy, and Kelly matching hideous reindeer sweaters, Timmy-but-actually-Kenny got Don a gay detective novel, and Kelly received a relatively tasteful Pride sweatshirt. It was looking to be a pleasantly boring Christmas, until Mr. Callahan started opening his gift ostensibly from Don and Timmy.

"It's a book— _Log Cabin Republicans_ ," Mr. Callahan said as he ripped the paper off the top half. His face lit up. "Timothy, does this mean you're—"

Timothy cleared his throat. "Uh, no. But just because I don't share your political views doesn't mean I don't respect them, and I, well, I thought you'd like this."

Mr. Callahan ripped the rest of the paper off, revealing a very buff model wearing nothing but a stovepipe hat and holding an axe strategically positioned over his crotch.

Though Mr. Callahan was known for being quite the orator, this rendered him speechless for a very long time. He finally managed to choke out, "That's very thoughtful of you, son. Thank you."

Donald looked over at Timothy. He appeared to be doing a deep breathing exercise. Don rubbed Timmy's shoulder comfortingly and said, "Mrs. Callahan, why don't you go next?"

Mrs. Callahan carefully removed the paper from her gift without tearing it, then folded it and set the wrapping aside. When she finally saw it, she looked genuinely pleased with her gift.

"An LGBT knitting pattern book! Well, isn't that delightful." She flipped through the pages. "Rainbow hats, rainbow socks, rainbow hot pants, rainbow thongs—how would you _knit_ footwear?"

"Um, Mom?" Kelly said, trying to stifle a giggle. "Not that kind of thong. Look at the picture."

"Oh." Then, she did. " _Oh._ Oh my." She slammed the book shut. "I'll have to try those rainbow socks. Timothy, dear, why don't you go next?"

Kenny poked Donald in the shoulder with another book-shaped gift. Donald took it and handed it to Timmy. "This one's from me. Merry Christmas."

"Aw, thank you," Timothy said without even looking at the gift. His smile was so warm and open and full of love, it made Donald wonder for the millionth time how he'd ever managed to get a man as wonderful as Timmy. Timmy leaned in and kissed him, long enough to be more than a peck but not exceeding the length for my-parents-are-in-the-room appropriateness.

Then Timmy carefully undid the wrapping paper so as not to rip it—like mother, like son. "Feels like a DVD?"

Donald just smiled and shrugged. The way Timmy was taking off the paper, the back was visible before the front was. Donald watched Mr. and Mrs. Callahan sitting across from them. First, they appeared interested with what they were seeing, then confused. Then, some sort of realization dawned on their faces. He glanced over at Kelly, who had a hand clamped firmly over her mouth to stifle laughter.

Finally, Timothy got the paper off the front. Don leaned in to get a better look. At the same time, Timmy read from the box, " _Hot Under the Collar_..."

The picture on the box was of an altar in an old, ornate church. Right in front of the altar lay two incredibly ripped priests, shirts undone and hands down pants, in the throes of passion.

The realization hit Don and Timmy at almost the same moment. Timmy clutched the DVD case against his stomach and folded his arms over it. Donald essentially hugged Timmy and by extension the DVD protectively, throwing one arm around his back and the other over the porn. He gave Kenny a death glare.

"That means I must've got that mixed up with the _LGBT Caribbean Travel Guide_ when I wrapped everything," Kenny whispered to Donald and Timmy. "Your real gift is upstairs, Timothy. Oops?"

~~*~~*~~

Don wasn’t sure if it was anger or embarrassment, but Timmy’s face stayed a rather alarming shade of red for the rest of the evening. Everyone but Kenny and Kelly blushed beet red when Kenny asked Timothy to say grace before dinner.

Don had never seen anyone politely eat a meal as fast as Mr. and Mrs. Callahan had wolfed down their food. That also meant that Kelly, Timothy, Kenny and Don dominated the conversation. And for as much grief as Don liked to give Kenny, he did notice that Kenny had a gift with people; any time conversation started veering into potentially uncomfortable or argumentative territory, he deftly steered it back to safer ground with a joke or anecdote.

Amazingly, almost before Donald knew it, the evening was over and their guests were leaving.

"Thank you for hosting on such short notice," Mr. Callahan said to Don and Timothy at the door. He shook their hands gravely and chose his words carefully, though they did sound sincere. "That was...quite the evening you put together."

Mrs. Callahan kissed Don's and Timothy's cheeks. "Yes, a very nice evening, and we won't spring a surprise event like that on you ever, ever again." She added in a lower voice, "It's not that we don't accept your relationship. We do, I hope you know that. Donald is family, as far as we're concerned. It's just that, well, even though of course we _know_ it, a parent doesn't particularly want to _think_ about their child being...sexual. And having pictures to go with that, well—"

Mr. Callahan cleared his throat. "Margaret? I think they get it."

"Yes, we do, sir," said Donald.

"Absolutely, yes," said Timmy at the same time.

The Callahans nodded, said goodbye again, and scurried out the door.

Next came Kelly. "I just wanted to thank you guys so much for all you did for me," she said. "I know you knew I was uncomfortable, but you really went the extra mile to make this easier for me. I mean, I never in a million years would've thought of making Christmas more comfortable for me by making everybody _else_ feel kind of awkward and embarrassed, too, but it really did work. And Kenny is just an awesome friend." Don and Timmy both stood dumbstruck, but Kelly didn't seem to notice. She hugged them tight before taking her leave.

And finally, there was Kenny. "Thank you so much for inviting me to your home for Christmas and making me feel like a part of your family and also for not firing or killing me. Please?"

"If you value your life, you will never, ever bring up porn in front of my in-laws again," Donald said. Then he looked at Timmy. "But, as weird as it sounds, I think you might have saved Christmas?"

"Yeah," Timothy said, equally as surprised to be agreeing.

Kenny tackled them both in a group hug. When he finally let go, if Donald wasn't mistaken, there were tears in Kenny's eyes. "You guys are the best boss and boss's husband a guy could ever ask for."

Timothy let out a huge sigh as soon as the door had shut behind Kenny. He leaned his head back against the door, gazing at the ceiling. "So Kenny did our Christmas shopping for us."

"I plead temporary insanity," said Donald.

But Timothy didn't seem mad. In fact, he was quietly chuckling. Donald found himself chuckling, too, and before they knew it, they were laughing so hard tears ran down their faces.

"My mother will never be able to look at a priest the same way again," Timothy said when the laughing fit finally subsided.

"It hasn't put _you_ off though, has it?" Donald asked, leading Timothy upstairs. "It would be a shame if something like that spoiled our sexy-sinner seduces hot-priest-with-glasses roleplay."

Timmy saw that for the invitation it was, and smirked back at Donald. "Not permanently, but I think I'd prefer our sexy-cat-burglar-with-glasses seduces hot-detective rolepay tonight."


End file.
